


It doesn't matter

by Yra



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Grisha is not a shitty dad for once, M/M, Racism, Trans Character, Transphobia and Homophobia, fluffy fluffy fluff with smut!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:22:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yra/pseuds/Yra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DISCONTINUED</p><p>Mikasa has always been kind of a tomboy. She hates her boobs, hates her long hair, hates her hips. What she likes: her muscles. 'Cause damn, have you seen her freaking abs? And her biceps and triceps?</p><p>Eren is a simple guy. Really. He loves his girlfriend. He doesn't mind the fact that she hides behind baggy clothes. He doesn't mind her muscles. He doesn't mind her shyness nor her tsundere attitude. No. He doesn't mind, because he loves her.</p><p>Levi is someone that no one's ever heard of. Levi is hiding somewhere, waiting to be freed. Levi waits, living in the dark, because he knows that soon, he'll finally live under the sun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I thank you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ya'll!  
> This is my second multi-chapters fic and the subject (transsexuality) is something that gets to me a lot since my best friend recently came out as transexual (male to female).  
> I'm probably gonna link a few sites from times to time if there is something that I can't quite explain or just don't know how to (or if the site is just a must). I will try to make this fic as close to reality as I can. I believe transsexuality is something that people should talk about more. Also, I want to educate people on the subject 'cause, even if you think you know it all, you don't (and believe me, I don't either, so if you think that I made a mistake somewhere about some of the procedures/other tings like that, just tell me and I'll fix it :) )  
> So yeah, I thank you in advance for reading this fic. Also, even if most people are open minded on this site (or at least from what I've seen), please don't make rude comments about trans people, okay?  
> I think that's about it. Please enjoy reading this fic!  
> P.S.- that thing ^.^ means that I've got a song in mind while writing something, so if you're interested just click those symbols and you've got a song!

_Mikasa._

Eren.

 

[^.^](https://youtu.be/6r3FOi7u9zs)

(yeah, I know, I'm a k-pop fan, so deal with it. I know nothing about training, so deal with that too)

 

_Running, running, running. I keep on running. There's sweat in my hair, there's even some trailing down my forehead. After a while, I stop the treadmill and move on to the weightlifting section. I grab my usual weights and start. Some scrawny kid looks at me with wide eyes as I lift my weights above my head. I would be staring too if I was him. To see a girl lifting more than what most guys are able to, it is quite a sight. I could almost smile if it wasn't for the fact that the smell around me is disgusting. I mean, it's a fucking gym, of course it's not supposed to smell good, but if only some people could learn some basic hygiene..._

_-Hey, Mikasa, how are you doing?_

_-Hi, Reiner. Okay, I guess, what about you?_

_Reiner is that kind of gym addicted guy that has a freaking eight pack and shoulders about as large as a fucking car. Ugh, I wish I could look like that..._

_-So, uh, still with Eren?_

_-Yep. You won't have him, blondie._

_-What? A guy can dream, right?_

_-Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that._

_-Pff, you're no fun, Mikasa._

_-I don't exactly care, in case you haven't noticed._

_-Oh, I did. Well then, good training._

_-Yeah, bye._

_After an hour or so, I'm finally done with my training and I head towards the ladies changing room. More like the bitches changing room. Except for me and a few moms trying to lose their baby fat, the only girls attending this gym are 18 years old blonde hoes who just can't seem to be able to think about anything else than guys._

_-...I mean, yeah! And like, oh my god, you won't believe me, but Jean talked to me and... Stop screaming, jeez, so yeah, Jean came to talk to me and, oh gosh, it was so freaking nice and..._

_Yeah. Gives you an idea. I decide against taking my shower here ('cause, bitches?) and settle to simply change my clothes. I'll wash home._

_-And you know, that Reiner guy? Yeah, the blonde one, like, really tall and soooooo huge!_

_-Eww, huge?_

_-No, not fat. Muscles._

_-Oh, THAT guy! I wish he would come and talk to me sometimes._

_-He was talking with that Asian chick, again._

_-The one with the huge boobs and the six-pack? I bet she's so glad that a real man talked to her. I mean, all Asian guys are like girly. She's more masculine than most Chinese dudes._

_-Oh, but maybe she's lesbian? I mean, no straight girl trains out like she does, and I've never really seen her with a guy or anything so..._

_There they go again. Bitches. I put my clean hoodie and sweat pants on and leave my cabin. As soon as they see me, the two girls shut their mouths. It doesn't really matter, honestly. I'm used to it. And, even better, I soon won't have to put up with all of this. I just have to tell Eren, though... and that is something I'm so afraid to do._

 

I hear the key in the door and Mikasa walks inside our small apartment. Her hair is still damp with what I guess is sweat. 

-Hey, Miki.

-Hey. Still didn't feel like showering there.

-Same bitches again?

-Yeah...

I hug her without saying anything. She's shorter than me, now. I still remember the time when we were the same height, in our teenage years, before I began growing up like crazy. She stayed her same 5'3'' while I'm 6'1''. I almost drown her in my height but none of us care. I like to feel like I can protect her of anything.

-Don't hug me, I'm gross.

-Nan, you're not gross. Just sweaty. 

-... I'm gross. I'm gonna take a shower. Did you clean the kitchen?

-Yes, I did, captain!

I mimic some sort of clumsy salute and she bursts out laughing. She waves her hand and enter the bathroom. I sip on my coffee, waiting for her to get out of the shower. When she does, she has a determined look in her eyes, as well a bit of fear in them.

-Eren, I... there's... there's something I need to tell you...

I immediately wonder what I've done wrong. Am I too messy? Does she think I cheated on her? Is she... Is she in love with someone else?

-What's wrong?

I somehow manage to say that without looking panicked. Mikasa sits down and takes a deep, deep breath.

-I think I... I don't think... maybe...

-Take your time, Miki, there's no rush, I say as I lean in and take her hand.

She nods her head a little and takes a few breaths before she begins talking again.

-Don't interrupt me, okay?

-I won't.

-Recently, I've been doing a lot of research and I've met with a sexologist and I think... I think that I am... not really a woman.

-...okay?

-I think I wasn't... born in the right body, and I...

Mikasa doesn't say anything for a while, so I finish the sentence for her.

-You think you might not be a woman, but a man?

She slightly nods her head, her eyes fixated on the floor.

-Mikasa?

She doesn't say anything, still doesn't look at me.

-Miki? Come on, look at me.

She slowly raises her head. She looks so afraid. I pull her in a hug. I stay silent for a while until I finally find it in myself to open my mouth.

-I know... I know a gender therapist. They're, hem, they're a good friend of mine and... I think it might be good for you to meet them? I mean, you already went and saw someone about this, but I think it would be a good thing, you know? Maybe? And maybe a doctor, for the hormones and all, if that's what you decide to do...

She hugs me as hard as she can.

-Thank you. Thank you so much for not rejecting me.

I run my hand in her hair.

-I don't say it'll be easy. I don't say it won't change things between us, but I'll help you, okay? I'll do what I can.

We stay like that for a long, long while. It's kind of a shock for me, to know that my girlfriend of five years and my friend of always isn't really a girl. She's not really a she either. Even though I want to know how Miki wants to be called, for now, I just shut the hell up. It's not the time to ask her question. For now, I just have to hold her and let her know that I still love her. But, to be honest with myself, I don't know if I'll be able to cope with the fact that her feminine body will probably become masculine. But there again, for now, all that matters is to make her feel a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.revelandriot.com/  
> It's a very interesting site, not only for trans people but also for the whole LGBTQ community , wich I am also part of as a bisexual woman. Go check it out!


	2. for helping me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello avarybady!  
> Second chapter already!  
> I don't know if you've ever heard about «I am Jazz» (a reality show about a transgender teenager). Jazz is really inspiring and she's absolutely gorgeous, but as much as some people loved the show, some hated it because Jazz is transgender (surprising, isn't it?)-_-  
> Jazz also wrote a children's book (its title is also «I am Jazz»). The book addresses the subject of transgenderism.  
> If you're interested in knowing more about her, I think it could be interesting for you to go check her youtube channel (Jazz Jennings).  
> Thanks for reading!

_-Mikasa Ackerman? Miss Zoë is in her office. You can go right in._

_-Alright, t-thanks._

_-It's gonna be alright. Miss Zoë might seem scary, but she's very comprehensive. I'm sure you'll like her._

_I nod slightly toward the blonde girl. She seems sweet._

_-Erm, where do I go?_

_-Go left and... you'll guess which door is hers. Trust me. You'll know._

_-Miki, wait!_

_I stop and turn around. Eren hugs me and whispers that's it's all gonna be okay, that he'll wait for me in the waiting room, that I have to remember that he loves me. I let myself drown in his sweet words for a while but then he gently pushes away._

_-You should go. I'll be waiting right here. I love you._

_I go where... Krista, I think? told me to go and then I see the monstrosity. The door is painted in like, five different fluorescent colors and is decorated with a thousand butterflies stickers. The only thing that convinces me to knock on the door is the fact that there are a few LGBTQ stickers mixed with the butterflies. _

_-Come on in!_

_I gather my courage and open the door. The weirdest woman ever is in there. As in, the WEIRDEST. She has some kind of pink ponytails on a navy blue wig and three different nail polish colors. Her makeup looks like it's been made by a four years old, which isn't impossible, actually._

_-Ah, Mikasa Ackerman, right? Well, for now, at least. I am Hange Zoë. Glad to meet you. Oh, just give me a second, okay? I'll just get rid of all of this and I'll be right back!_

_What. The. Fuck?_

_A few minutes later, a woman that I recognize as Hange Zoë walks back in. She now has brown hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. The weird makeup is gone, but not the nail polish._

_-Sorry about that. Can't tell you the details 'cause that would be kinda unprofessional, I  guess, but this was my niece's absolutely beautiful makeover. So, hi! First off, I'm telling you: today, I am female, but next you come see me, that is, if you do, I might be male. I might still be female too, and I might be a mix of male and female. I'm genderfluid, by the way._

_-Okay..._

_-I know it might seem strange but well... anyways, let's get down to business, shall we?_

_There's no way I'll make it out of here alive. I'll either kill Hange or kill myself, now all there is to know is which one will happen._

 

When Miki came back from her first meeting with Hange, she asked me to keep on using female pronouns for now, but to try and begin to consider her as a male. Yeah, it feels really weird, but I try. A for effort, right?

For a while, Miki seemed to close herself a bit from me, but she was still going to the gym and she still went to work, so I didn't worry too much about it. Today, though, Miki came to me and asked me something.

-So basically, you have to make a name list? And go trough baby names books?

-Yeah, to see if there could be names that I like or something.

-Do you want help? With the list?

-Yeah, why not?

-So, you need names for each and every letter of the alphabet?

-Two to five names for each letter.

-Ooooookay, let's begin!

We took our time to complete the list. Most of the names were ones Miki found herself. She loved each and every name on the list, but once we were done, Miki took a marker and highlighted one name. Just one, and I knew it was it. It was the name he would bear.

-This one. 

-You're sure? Choosing your name, it's something big. I like the way it sounds, don't get me wrong, but you're sure?

She nods.

-Yeah, I really like this name. I want this name, I want to be called that.

-Do you want me to use this name now or..?

-No, wait a bit longer, please?

-Sure. 

I lean in and kiss Miki's lips. She smiles and lean on me.

-So, when are you gonna meet that doctor?

-This week, actually. We're gonna talk about hormone therapy, but Hange told me it might be a good idea to go a month as a guy before I begin the hormones, just to make sure that's really what I want. I'll have to go shopping, and I also want a haircut.

THAT is the hard part about Miki's transitioning. I love the way she looks now. Her boobs, her curves, her long hair, and even her muscles. All of that is something I like about her appearance, and it's hard for me to think that she's going to change. I know for a fact that there is no way Miki won't become a man. She's not happy, I can clearly see it now. I also know the reason for that, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to loose the Mikasa I've always had by my side. I'm afraid to loose the little girl that played with me when I was in kindergarten, I'm afraid to loose the girl with which I lost my virginity. I'm afraid I won't be able to lust after him the way I lust after her. I love Miki, and that's never gonna change, but... will I love him too?

 

_-So, do you like it?_

_If I like it? I love it! It fits me so well, and it doesn't really look feminine!_

_-I... I love it, actually. I really love it._

_-Good! Please, come to the counter and you'll be able to pay, miss._

_-Ugh._

_-Mmm? What is it?_

_-Nothing. Just... don't... call me miss?_

_-Uh, okay..._

_I sigh. I knew this was bound to happen, of course, but it still bothers me. Once my haircut is paid, I realize Eren disappeared._

_-What the..._

_-Miki!_

_I turn around and I see him approaching with... a makeup bag in his hand._

_-Before you say anything, let me explain, okay? Ever heard of contouring?_

_-... If it's makeup then I know absolutely nothing about it and you know that, Eren. Now, why the fuck..._

_-Contouring can be used by both men and women to enhance their gender's most beautiful features. However, the contrary also exist._

_-... I'm listening._

_-Females can use makeup to give themselves more masculine traits by contouring their faces. I bought the makeup and the tools you need to do that and woah!_

_I almost threw myself in his arms. He lost his balance for a second but he quickly recovered it. I feel him smile against my shorter hair. I am so happy to see that he cares about all of this. He doesn't just listen to what I say, he even went as far as to make some research on all of this. I love him so much._

_-You look nice, by the way. I like the short hair. It fits you well. Since you have to buy a whole freaking wardrobe, how about going to a thrift shop? It'll cost less so it'll be easier to pay for your hormones, I mean, if you decide to take hormones. And wow, that binder really does its job, doesn't it?_

_How the hell is he real? How can he cope so well with all of that?_

_-Even though it's kind of weird. I mean, yeah, um, let's just go to that thrift shop, okay?_

_...wellllllllll. He tries, wich is all that matters. I can't ask for more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contouring: Contouring is extremely popular with the drag community (I turned myself into a drag king once and TRUST me, contouring can do miracles) but there are softer forms of contouring allowing for more natural looks. It is sometimes used by transgender people but not always. 
> 
> Binder: Chest binders come in many different sizes and models. Wich kind does Miki use? Meh, it doesn't really matter, now, does it? Actually, Miki probably has more than one model (I don't know, okay? I created this Miki's personality and story, but I don't know everything about her. I mean, what freak knows everything about their characters?). Some binders are better to use when you wear a t-shirt, some are more comfortable but don't compress your boobs as much, meaning you have to wear baggier clothes if you really want to hide your chest. It is really NOT recommended to do sports with a binder, except maybe for badminton and volleyball. Otherwise, you might get ribs injuries or you might pass out 'cause you can't breathe as well as you usually do.
> 
> I know all of this might seem obvious, but I'd rather explain something you all already know than leave someone in the dark. Alright, class dismissed ya'll!


	3. no matter how hard it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to all of you! You guys doing well? I hope so!  
> I just want to say this: A name is something big. As in really big. Getting used to saying someone's new name or even just getting used to the idea that someone is gonna change their name really isn't a piece of cake for everyone. It can take months to get used to it, not because we don't try but just because it's not something that comes easily to us.  
> The thing is, if you don't say someone's new name, it can hurt them. That's basically what's going on. Just thought it was best to explain it now.

[^.^](https://youtu.be/j-xxeuDm5-I) ( it's a cover but I prefer this version so... And I think it fits so yeah. Here you go!)

It's already been a week since he started dressing up as a man. He also wears some slight makeup to make himself look more like a man (that was a good idea. Like, damn! I'm not always stupid!). His short hair always perfectly in place, his clothing looking good even though they're not new. 

He really does look good, I cannot deny that. He looks good and happy. He's still the Mikasa I knew, but now, he's so much more. He doesn't smile more, in fact, his sassy personality got even worse, but he's visibly happier.

His meeting with the doctor went well. Once his month trial as a man will be over, he'll start taking the hormones. It's gonna cost some money but we'll manage. He didn't get fired when he went to work as a man, which is a relief.

That's something positive, at least.

It's going so fast, I feel lost in all of this. One day, it was Mikasa living with me. Now, it's him.

It's hard. It's hard for me to keep up with all of this. I try, I really try to help him, but it's so hard. It's hard to see the person I'm in love with being called names in public. It's hard to be called a faggot because I hold his hand. I love him just like I love her, but it's so hard. It's so, so hard and I have no clue of what I should do. I don't know what to do. Maybe if I call them, they can help me? I grab my phone and call Hange.

-Hey, Hange?

-Oh, Eren, sweetie! Male for now, by the way. So, why are you calling?

-Hi, got that, and do you think we could go for a coffee or something? I really need to talk to you. Today, if possible.

-Yeah, sure. Ehm, give me a minute... what about 3 pm?

-Yep, perfect for me. I work at 9 tonight, so it's alright.

-Good. So, Maria's?

-If it's all good with you, that'd be the best for me.

-Alright! See you there, Caribbean eyes.

 

_I feel so good. I feel me. I don't feel like I really am free, but I do feel so much better. _

_As usual, I'm hitting the gym before going to work. The only thing I don't do anymore is my running session on the treadmill. I run from home to the gym and back instead, meaning I don't need to go to the changing room anymore. I still come to the gym as a girl. It's just more comfortable to exercise with a sports bra than a binder. Believe me, don't try it. Just don't. It's not worth it._

_-Hey, Mikasa._

_-Reiner._

_-I never thought I'd say that one day, but you almost look hot. Which is weird 'cause you know I'm like extremely gay but..._

_-Thanks. I'm actually really flattered._

_-I mean, don't take it wrong or... huh?_

_-How about we go eat lunch or something? I... there's something I'd like to tell you._

_-Yeah, sure. Em, do you mind if I bring Bert?_

_-... please don't? I'd rather not tell him. I mean, I know you since a few years but I barely even know him so..._

_-Oh no, that's all right. If I tell him I'm with a girl, he won't even feel jealous, and god knows he is jelly about everything._

_Ouch. A girl._

_-Yeah well, he might just change his mind about that. So, what about we go eat at that taco place near the parc?_

_-Hell yeah! So, at 12?_

_-Yep! See you there. And, Reiner?_

_-Hum?_

_-Keep your mind open, okay?_

 

-Hey, Eren! How are you?

-Hi. I'm fine, what about you?

-I'm good. I'm really good, actually. I'm going to have lunch with Reiner today and... I'm going to tell him. 

I stop everything I was doing. Reiner? He's gonna tell Reiner? Of all people? As in, the Reiner that can barely keep it in his pants even if the guy tells him no?

-Reiner? Really?

-Well, yeah. I mean, I've known him for quite a while and I feel like it's not such a bad idea. I want to at least tell a few people about it and I feel like Reiner might be a good start.

-You know I won't tell you what to do, but I just find it weird to tell him.

-I don't care what you think! I'm telling him and that ends there, understood?

-Woah, alright. I was not gonna stop you, okay, nor will I tell you it's a bad idea. I'm just surprised. Now, please come here? I wanna hug you.

-No!

-Come on, I just...

-I said NO!

-...what's wrong? You know you can tell me.

He doesn't say anything and locks himself in our room. I wait on the couch, hoping the door will open soon. When it finally does, I try to talk to him but he shoos me away.

-You can't even say my new name, Eren. Just... leave me alone for a while, will you?

-I'm sorry. You're right, I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't give you that.

But he's already gone when I finally find it myself to say those words.

I really need this talk with Hange.

 

_-Hey, Reiner._

- _Hey, Miki... woah... err..._

_I nod and smirk a little._

_-Yeah, woah. Still trying to get used to it myself. So, em, do we eat or not?_

_We stay silent all until we begin to eat._

_-So, er, how did your boobs disappear?_

_I almost choke on my taco._

_-A binder._

_-Okay._

_-Yeah._

_Awkward. It's extremely awkward._

_-So, like, you're... trans?_

_-Yeah._

_-Aww, damn, now Bert is gonna be jelly when I'm talking to you. Wait, does that mean that I can try to get in your pants too?_

_I burst out laughing. People glance at me, but I don't care. I'm just so happy right now._

 

I take a sip of my iced coffee. Hange puts like a cup of sugar in his chamomile tea. What's the point of drinking chamomile if you're just gonna turn it into an energy drink?

-I'm guessing you didn't want to talk to me just because you missed me, right?

-Yeah. I just... I can't. I try, but it's not enough and I just hurt him and it's so hard and...

-Wow, wow, Eren, calm the fuck down.

-Hange, I've been called a faggot by one of my co-workers because I held his hand. I've been told that he's a monster. Someone told me I'm a sinner 'cause I help him with his transition. I just... help me. Please. I can't deal with that and it's only just been a week.

-...Well. First: Good job with the pronouns. You're using the right ones, which is already good in itself.

-Yeah, I use the right pronouns but I can't even bring myself to say his name.

-Okay. 

-What, not gonna tell me anything else?

-Did you throw him out of your apartment?

-...no? I couldn't even if I wanted. He pays half of the rent and I couldn't afford it alone.

-And you still sleep in the same bed.

-Yes...

-And you still hug him and kiss him?

-Not as often, but yes.

-Eren.

-What?

-You're way more open minded about all of this than anyone else. You've known Mikasa, a girl, for your whole life, of course, there are some things you can't bring yourself to do for now. Saying his name is one of those things. It does sucks a little that you can't say it but come on, it's only just been a week!

-Is it the specialist or the friend talking right now?

-Both. The friend will support you no matter what and the specialist just wants to congratulate you for coping with all of that for so long without breaking down a little. I'm sure your boyfriend can understand.

-He's mad at me. Because I can't say his name. Because I haven't even said it once.

-Huh? The friend isn't happy with the boyfriend right now. Fuck the therapist, he can just shut the fuck up for now. The friend's gotta do something about that. I'll come back in a second, okay?

And then Hange disappears. I'm kind of afraid. What the fuck is he up to? Oh shit. Hange's not gonna call him, right?


	4. for you to be just like you always used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salut la gang! (yep, French)  
> I decided to post this chapter even though it ain't perfect. Who cares anyways, right? It took me some time to FINALLY finish it (my computer is still as shitty and I'm still as broke as ever) but I just felt like writing so there you go! Enjoy :)

_My phone rings. I frown when I see who's calling me. Why would Hange..?_

_-Hi?_

_-I gotta talk to you, not as your consultant or anything but as Eren's friend._

_-...okay?_

_-Do you know what state he is in right now?_

_-No?_

_Okay. This is not good. Hange did not tell me their current pronoun and they sound pissed. What the fuck happened?_

_-He's practically drowning himself in regret right now!_

_Ah._

_-Do you know how much Eren has to go through too? Hell, he lived his whole life knowing you as a girl. You were his girlfriend for FIVE YEARS. All this time, you've been called Mikasa and were a girl to him and everyone. In a matter of weeks, he's gotten used to you being a man. He uses male pronouns, he even helped you find your fucking name! He helped you get an appointment with a doctor that helps trans people, he even talked to me to help you through all of that. Now tell me: except not saying your name, is there anything he did wrong?_

_-Err..._

_-Hell, are you kidding me? He still sleeps in the same bed as you and let me remind you that Eren is straight! He's helped you through almost everything you've done up 'til now. Did you know he got called a faggot because he held your hand? He's been told he's a sinner for helping you through your transitioning. He didn't say anything about that, now did he? He didn't tell you because he was afraid that you'd feel bad about it. He loves you, it's obvious, but you just take your frustration on him and that, I won't allow you to do. I might not be professional right now, but I'm helping a friend of mine and I won't let you make Eren feel like shit because he can't say your name for now. You better fucking apologize to him when you see him later, understood? Now I'm going back to him._

_They hang the phone._

_Well, if that's not making me feel like shit..._

 

Hange finally walks back in.

-So! Do you think I can put more sugar in my chamomile? It's not sweet enough :(  

Oh, dear Hange.

 

-So basically, she's a dude now? Does she, er... I mean does he have like, surgeries and all? 

Sasha hits Connie's head with her tray.

-Come on, even I ain't stupid enough to think he's already had surgeries!

I interrupt them.

-Well, actually, he's not sure about surgeries and all. He'll take hormones soon, though.

-Ah, okay. SO technically, he's not a dude for real, right?

Before I can say or do anything, Sasha practically breaks her wooden tray on Connie's skull.

-OWWWW. Fuck, Sasha, stop it! 

-Not until you finally grow some brain. Now let's go, we got clients.

The bar in which I work is nothing much, honestly, but I like the ambiance. The people here are nice, girls aren't dressed like whores and dudes generally aren't douchebags. Tonight it's just Sasha (waitress), Connie (cook) and me (bartender). It's Monday. There are a few mid-thirties women here for a girl's night, a small group of college students here 'cause they don't feel like getting drunk with hundreds of people around them and that's about it. As I said, a nice place.

-Yo, so d'you still have sex with him? So, like, you're gay?

I don't wait for Sasha to hit him this time. I punch him myself.

-HEY! I was just asking!

-Yeah well, shut the fuck up before I make you, understood?

-Yeah, yeah, no need to be violent.

Even though both Sasha and Connie are helpless idiots, I know they won't say a word to anyone. I know they'll respect Levi when they'll see him, and I also know he won't mind me telling them about his true gender. Levi... Is he still mad at me?

 

_Hange is right. They're so fucking right. Eren tries so hard to help me. He just does everything he can. I know he does. Hell, he even got insulted while supporting me! How could I be blind enough not to see it? How?_

_I finally hear keys in the door and as soon as the door is open, I jump in Eren's arms. He wraps them up around me._

_-Hey, what's wrong?_

_-I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being mad at you. I'm sorry. I mean, you do so much for me and..._

_-Hush, it's alright, okay? It's alright. I'm not mad. I'm not mad at all._

_I nod and hide my face in his chest. He smells like sweat and faintly of alcohol. There's also the one smell that is fundamentally Eren. I can't get enough of that smell. A little musky, a little like pine, a little like cinnamon. It's just Eren._

_-Do you want to go sit on the couch?_

_I nod my head. He takes off his shoes and we cuddle on the couch. He runs is fingers in my hair, slowly, and I let him. I need that gentle touch._

_-I love you, Eren. I don't want to loose you. Please, don't let me go._

_-Hush... Levi. It's alright, okay? It's all right. I love you too._

_Tears flood my eyes. He said my name._

_-Eren..._

_He brushes his lips against mine and goes back to hugging and cuddling me._

 

I wake up stiff and uncomfortable. Ugh... the freaking couch. I fucking hate that couch. To think that I am the one who bought it. Well, Mika chose it and since I wanted to please her... here we are. 

-I fucking hate that couch, I mutter, trying not to wake Levi.

-Why the hell did I force you to buy it? 

-Hey there, been awake for long?

-Nah, I haven't slept this well for a long time, though my back hurts like a bitch. How comes that thing is so damn nice looking but so damn painful to sleep on?

I chuckle a little.

-Well, we could always go buy a new one...

-Nope. We're keeping this torture device.

I should've known. Fucking couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When someone changes their names, it can be hard to get used to it. When my friend told me he was a she, we looked for names together, made lists, and then she just knew when she saw Wendy. She just knew. But for me to get used to the name... From Richard to Wendy, it's not simple. It took me a while just to spontaneously think of her new name when I was thinking about her, and then to be able to say it out loud, it took me even more time. For some people, it takes longer, for some, it doesn't take any time. It really depends.


	5. Thank you for loving me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there, dear readers!  
> As you can see, rating went up. It's not even ''real'' smut, just some fun under the shower but if you wanna skip it, it's right after the (•.•) face all the way to the end of the chapter but as I said, it's really tame and lovey dovey and fluffy (if you want some hardcore smut, this ain't it). Enjoy!

I'm glad when Levi finally gets off the couch. I get up and stretch my back. I really hate that couch.

-I'm going to the gym, wanna come with me today, since you're awake?

-Sure, just don't expect me to keep up with you. I'd die, you know? 

He laughs.

-Yeah, I know. You ass always manage to stay fucking cut no matter what though so fuck you. I skip one day and I lose my abs.

-Well, I'm a greek god, what'd you expect?

-Shut up and get changed. We're jogging to the gym.

-Slave driver.

-Lazy ass. 

-You're hurting my feelings, you know?

-How sad.

Pff...

 

_-You see that guy?_

_-Which one? Green eyes?_

_-Yes. He's so hot. Like oh my god, I just can't believe he's real._

_-I know, right? D'you think I have a chance?_

_-Hum, maybe. Let's go see him._

_Oh like hell they're touching my boyfriend. I leave the machine I was working with and look for Eren. The bitches are already throwing themselves at him. If they were guys, I'd already have punched them for that. As I get closer, I hear Eren talking to the girls._

_-... good looking but it doesn't change anything to the fact that I'm in a relationship and I don't exactly feel like cheating on my lover. Now if you could just leave..._

_-Uh, come on! She won't know anyways so just..._

_-Like hell I won't know! I heard you talking shit behind my back for months and now you're trying to take my boyfriend? Screw you. We're leaving._

_I grab Eren's hand and pull him behind me._

_-You know I never would've left with them, right?_

_-I do know, but... look, just go grab our stuff, alright? I'll wait outside._

 

I grab our backpacks and join Levi.

-Here. 

I give him his bag. He takes his water bottle and chug half of it in frustration.

-I can't believe those motherfucking bitches! I just fucking can't!!

-Hey, it's okay, you know? It's okay. 

-No, it's not! 

It finally hits me.

-Were you... were you jealous?

Levi's shoulders tense up brutally. His eyes scream murder. 

Note to self: Shut the fuck up next time.

-No I wasn't! Fucking idiot!

Levi leaves. And damn does he leave. I mean, considering how short his legs are...

No, don't think that. You'll say it out loud someday if you keep thinking shit like that, so shut. the fuck. up!!!!!

 

-Hey, Levi, mind if I join you?

The only answer I receive is a completely unattractive grunt. I'll take that as a ''do whatever the fuck you want''. I undress and join my boyfriend under the hot water. I grab the shampoo and start to wash his hair.

-I was just teasing you, you know? Are you mad? I shouldn't have said you were jealous and all.

-It's okay. I'm not mad. At least, not at you.

Levi seems to melt under my fingers. Playing in his hair has always been his soft spot. Once I'm done washing his hair, I rinse the shampoo and move on to the soap. I trail my hands down his arms and up to his shoulders. The muscles in his back tense up and then go limp. A relaxed Levi is an extremely rare sight. Not that I'm complaining. My hands are now lower on his back, leaving small trails of bubbles where ever I touch is skin. Small goosebumps appear under my touch and Levi leans even more into my touch.(•.•)

-Eren...

I smile a little. My hands have now reached Levi's lower back. My touches become even more delicate than they already were and my boyfriend shivers under my hands. Now his hips. The soft but firm curve of his sides is surreal. I love it. The way the muscles move underneath the skin... It's almost too much. Then I reach his abs. And then my hands each go their separate ways. I move my right hand to his left side, my arm across his stomach while my left hand cups one of his breasts. His breath gets stuck in his throat. 

 

_As much as I hate them, I can't deny that my boobs are damn sensitive and I just love when they're being touched. Eren knows it all too well. He cups my breast with so much care and delicacy... and then pinches hard._

_-Fuck!_

_He really does know me too well. I can almost feel his smile in the way he touches me. He's enjoying himself so fucking much for someone not even getting attention. His arm across my stomach suddenly pulls me against him. My back against his chest and his hard penis against my lower back, I feel it all. His lips on the side of my head and his fingers oh so gently dancing on my skin, I feel it too._

_-Please let me?  
_

_I nod. His hand on my waist travels to my inner thigh. He trails his fingers on my leg for a while and lets it travel higher and higher all the way to my pubis. He slips a finger to my clitoris and rubs it gently. I press my body even more against his. I try to slip a hand behind me to touch him but he stops me._

_-It's about you, Levi, not me. Let me take care of you._

_He lowers his head into my neck and sucks on it. My legs are already trembling and I know I'm close to my release. His finger on my sex goes faster and harder but doesn't go at a frantic speed. It's all slow and gentle, all just affection. My thighs try to close and I cum._

_-E-Eren!_

_He holds me trough it while kissing my shoulder. Once I feel steady on my legs, I take a step forward and turn around. I step on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck. He gets it and leans to kiss me._

_-Now let me give you some too, okay?_

_His lips stretch into a smile as we keep on kissing. I lower my hand between us and grab his painfully hard penis. It doesn't take long until he cums over my hand. When we're finally done showering, the water is cold and... I'm late for work. Huh._


	6. and for caring for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yall!  
> I'm updating! So proud of myself -_- Fucking computer.  
> Anyways please enjoy!

_-My parents want us to have dinner with them._

_Oh. That's why he was so... nervous._

_-When?_

_-In an hour. And..._

_-Don't tell me they're coming here?_

_-... yeah._

_-Oh hell no. We have to clean up and oh SHIT I can't let your parents see me dressed like that I have to put on my ''girl'' clothes and food, what the fuck..._

_-Whoa there, Levi. Calm down. Mom brings food. You know as well as me that we do not NEED to clean the apartment and about your clothes and appearance, don't worry about it._

_-But Eren..!_

_-It's okay. My parents are open, like, reeeaaaly open. You know that. Don't worry._

 

-Miki! Eren! I'm so happy to see you! How are you? Oh, you cut your hair! How pretty! Right, Grisha?

-God, mom, calm down, please. It's just been a few weeks, it wasn't that long.

-Eren, don't be cold! I know you missed us too.

As I talk to mom, Levi takes the food from my dad's hand and go to put it on the kitchen table. 

-Of course I missed you, mom. And you, dad? Doing well?

-Yeah. The Refuge is going well too.

-Awesome!

I really meant it. My dad works as a doctor at the Refuge. The Refuge is a place where homeless people can go to receive free medical care and a warm meal in winter. It's also a place where runaway kids can go (there are a few rooms where they can stay for a day or two, depending on their situation). Most of these kids are people who were thrown out because they were a part of the LGBT+ community.

-We're finally getting some more funding so we might be able to hire a social worker soon. 

-Wow. It really is going well.

Just a few months ago, the Refuge almost had to close because they couldn't pay for medicine anymore. Dad was so mad and sad about that ALL the time that it almost made mom and him get a divorce. It didn't happen, though. I'm glad. I know they love each other and to know that they're able to fix things up, even when it's hell between them, makes me more confident about my relationship with Levi.

-I set the table so if you wanna eat...

-Thanks, Levi. 

-Levi? Who's that?

...Fuck.

[^.^](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNE-1lbDZ6k)

_I take a deep breath. **It's alright, I can do it. I can tell them. I HAVE to.**_

_-It's me. I'm Levi._

_-But, it's a guy's name..._

_-Yes, Carla. It is a guy's name. I'm... I'm trans. I just started to get hormones injections._

_-I just... So you're not..? I..._

_I look at the floor in shame. Carla is always smiling, so happy and strong-headed and now she's sitting on a chair with her head in her hands and shaking and **sobbing**. Grisha is just... well. He's Grisha. He doesn't show his feelings to anyone (except when he's happy) and I can clearly see he's not. I barely notice the tears falling down my cheeks. Eren hugs me._

_-It's okay, Levi, it's okay. It's all okay. It's all gonna be okay._

_I nod against Eren's chest._

_-I can't, I just can't believe... how could we... oh good, Mikasa, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry you had to hide like that for so long._

_And just like that, Carla is hugging me like there's no tomorrow._

_-See? I told you it'd be okay._

_I laugh faintly in between my sobs. I feel a hand on my shoulder. Grisha is just looking at me like he did the first time he saw me at the Refuge. The face of someone who is saying ''I won't judge you. I won't harm you. Please let me help you.''_

 

After a while of holding Levi, I notice the smell of food. Damn. I'm hungry. But Levi is first on my priority list.

-Hey, you alright? 

-I... I think, yeah. Yeah, I'm alright.

-Good. 

I hold him for a few more seconds and I detach myself from my boyfriend. Mom finally calms down too but she doesn't let go of Levi. I grab a box of tissues and give it to mom. It went better that I expected. Like way, way,  **way** better than I thought it would. It's not exactly surprising, though. My parents practically adopted Mikasa when we were teens.

My stomach brutally brings me back to the present.

-Hey, I know we're all pretty shaken up but how about eating?

 

-Do you need help with your injection?

Levi would've liked gel or patches more but they're more expensive (as in WAY more expensive) than shots. As for pills, there aren't any in Rose (country where the action takes place). The first times, Levi couldn't give himself his shots. He had too much of a stigma from when he was a teen, when he'd been thrown out of his parents' house . Levi is more and more comfortable with needles and the idea of medicine in general but he still has times when he cannot give himself his weekly shots.

-Nah, 'm fine. Go to work, Eren.

Thank god, otherwise, I would've been late to work.

-Okay, goodnight love.

I leave for work. Thank god it's just five minutes from home.

When I step foot into the bar, Sasha is complaining to someone that he cannot have his drink as long as the bartender (me) wasn't there.

-It's okay, Sash, I'm here. Sorry.

-Oh, thank god, there you are... and right on time!

I barely contain a sight when I see the customer. He's a regular. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fucking tall and fit and always drinking some of our most expensive shit. I honestly don't remember a night where he wasn't here.

-So, sir, what can I get you?

 

_When I'm finally done with my shot, I realise that Eren forgot his keys. Since I won't leave the apartment unlocked and I won't let him wake me up at like three in the morning, I grab his keys and head to the bar he works at. I suddenly am really glad that Eren told Sasha and Connie about me. They won't be shocked when they see me and these are two people I won't have to tell about me. I open the door and step inside._

_-Hi, you can sit anywhere, I'll come see you in a... oh, Mikasa? It is you! Wow, hey, how are you?_

_-Hey, Sasha, it's Levi, by the way._

_-Oh, yeah, Levi, got it. Levi. So, hum, why're you here?_

_I show her Eren's keys._

_-Ah, I see. Well, he's at the bar, as you can see. It was nice to finally meet you, Levi._

_Sasha leaves and I walk toward the bar. I lean on it and call my boyfriend's name._

_-Levi! Why are you..._

_I throw his keys in his face._

_-Oh. Thanks._

_He stretches his neck and gives me a chaste kiss._

_-Hey, bartender? Another whiskey._

_-Right up!_

_That voice... it sounded familiar. I turn my face toward it. I gasp._

_-ERWIN???????_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, testosterones injections are used in WAY more ways than I thought O.o It can even be used against female breast cancer! Go check this site out if you're interested in learning more about it: https://www.drugs.com/testosterone.html
> 
> I also made LOTS of research to find out how much hormones cost. I went to at least six sites to get a general idea of what testosterone costs (in Quebec it's all covered by insurances, in Ontario it's about 200$/month if you take pills, in some places in the USA shots are about 65$ and they last 5 months (without insurances)). Since most of the sites I went to were in French, I won't give you guys the links.
> 
> Another research I have done is about the effects of testosterone. http://www.revelandriot.com/resources/trans-health/ Go check it out!


	7. And thank you for accepting me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm BACK!! Not that there are many people to care about that but...  
> Anyways, to those of you who actually read this fic, this chapter is Eren's and Mikasa's years in kindergarten. I just needed lil' cute kid monsters so here you go!

-Noooo, I don't wanna go, I wanna stay home, Mommyyyyyyyyyy!

-Eren, come on, it'll be fun.

-No. I DON'T WANNA GO!

The kid was screaming at the top of his lungs, clearly mad.

-Eren, sweety...

-NO!

Carla sighed but kept on driving. Eren would calm down eventually... hopefully. It probably wouldn't happen. To be realistic, Eren was so thick headed that he'd probably still be pissed years after that. ''Why are all kids excited about going to school for the first time EXCEPT Eren?'' she wondered. She shook her head and parked her car in front of the school. It was his very first day of kindergarten. Carla got out of the car and unbuckled Eren. He was completely ignoring her. 

-Hey, Eren? Do you wanna know why school is fun?

No answer from the kid. ''Okay...''

-Well, it's because there'll be other kids your age and you'll be able to make tons of friends!

She had already tried the ''you'll make friends'' tactic but... She didn't exactly have a choice but to try again. ''That's what you get for forgetting to take your contraceptions pills and not insisting for your boyfriend to put on the damn condom.'' she thought. She loved her son, she really did but hell did she want to give him up to adoption sometimes. Especially that morning. 

-If I have friends, does that mean that I have to share my things? 'Cause if yes, then I don't want friends. Why can't I just stay home? Pretty please, mommy? If you say no, I'll scream.

Carla closed her eyes for a second. ''If I dump his body in the woods, will I get away with it?'' 

 

His teacher was old. An _old_ woman. ''My mommy is prettier. I wanna be with mommy. Then I could play with her and watch TV and she'd cook and...''

-Eren? Which on of you is Eren?

I raise my hand.

-Hello, Eren. Do you want to introduce yourself to your friends?

I get up.

-They're not my friends and you stink like perfume and you're old and I wanna be with mommy!

A small Asian kid starts laughing.

-It's true! You're old and you're ugly! 

The poor woman was quite shocked. She had been insulted before by her students, just like every teacher, but never two times in a row ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!! She already had classified the two kids as troublemakers (along almost every single kid in her care). ''The year will be long, long, long...''

 

-Hi, my name is Eren, do you wanna play with me?

The Asian kid nods their head.

-What's your name?

-Mikasa, but I don't know why my parents call me that.

-Why?

-They gave me a girl's name but I'm a boy!

-Your parents are weird.

The kids start giggling together. A small blonde boy approaches them. He was crying. 

-What's wrong?

Eren wasn't the tallest 5 years old, but the boy was so small that even Eren looked like a giant next to him.

-Th-they were mean with me, the blonde said while pointing a group of taller boys.

Eren then looked mad and got up. He destroyed the sand castle he had built with Mikasa in the process. He walked towards the boy, Mikasa following behind him. Needless to say, the younger kids got their asses kicked but damn if they didn't put up a fight. They were suspended but after that, Armin didn't get bullied anymore.

 

-Mommy?

-What is it, honey?

-Can Miki and 'Minmin come over?

-We have to call their parents before but it doesn't bother me at all.

The woman was proud of her son. Even though he DID get suspended because he broke a guy's nose (a guy older than him by seven years, mind you), Eren was doing quite well in his new environment. Not only he made friends, but he also protected said friend against an older group of bullies. Even though she did not approve of violence (and therefore had to punish her son for his bad behavior), all she really wanted to do was high five the kid... which she did before grounding him. 

However, now that his punishment was over (it only just lasted a day), he could very well ask his friends to come over at their home.

-Why don't you talk to me about them, huh? What do they look like?

-Well, 'Minmin is very small and blonde and he has blue eyes and he's always in blue t-shirts. Miki has long hair with bows and dresses but he hates it. He's really cool and funny and...

-He? Mikasa, she's a girl, isn't she?

The kid shakes his head no.

-He says his parents are lying and that he is a boy. 

 

_Looking back, Carla just can't help but see so many indicators that Mikasa wasn't a girl. Even as young as five **he** was trying to tell people but no one believed it. No one but Eren._

 

-Hey, Eren?

The boy raises his head with his cheeks puffed from all the cookies he was trying to eat at once.

-Do you promise that we'll always be friends?

Nearly choking on his cookies while swallowing them, Eren practically screams his answer.

-'f course! I love you, Miki.

The taciturn child turns red. Miki hides behind their long black hair before they're pulled into a warm hug by tho other five years old.

-We'll be together forever!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, kiddos Eren and Mikasa having a fluffy kindergarten. How could anything go wrong..?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated ^¸^


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